Not Lasting Long Enough In Bed? Time To Change That
It’s pretty much the worst thing that could happen: You’re really vibing with a woman you like, she’s beautiful, she’s sexy, the intensity is there… and then before things even really get started… you’re done. Coming too early is a problem too many men know all too well about.
While most men are able to overcome premature ejaculation after their first few years of sexual exploration as teens or young adults, if you still struggle with building sexual stamina, don’t worry. Being easily turned on isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but if you really want to make sure her needs are met — and you want to have longer, hotter intercourse — Dr. Kat Van Kirk has some no-fail tips.
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Why Is This Happening?
While Dr. Kirk says that many men can be sensitive to penis sensation, she also notes that a big culprit that may be causing you to let it get the best of you — and your sex life — are the porn scenes in your head. “If you are more focused on a fantasy that is playing in your head than focusing on the actual bodily sensations and what you are doing in the present moment with your partner, than you might find yourself finishing early.”
The next time you’re getting it on, try zeroing in on one thing: the way her face looks as she’s getting more into it, the way it feels when she moves her hips underneath you. Don’t think about the overall experience or how you imagine it going, instead really feel the moment and movement you’re in. This will help keep you from going from zero to 100 before she even gets warmed up.
Why You Shouldn’t Give Yourself A Hard Time
The truth of the matter is that everyone you’ve met, known or envied in the locker room or the big screen has experienced coming faster than their partner. It’s part of developing your sexual skill set, and something everyone has to discover on their own, for their own bodies. But as she rolls over, unsatisfied, and you’re out for the count, you might feel a little less of a man than you felt 10 minutes ago.
“It can actually be emasculating for some men as they feel that rapid ejaculation might indicate that they have less sexual prowess or aren’t manly enough – that they are still ‘juvenile’ in some sense,” Dr. Kirk says. The more you think about it, the more anxiety you’ll build in yourself, and the more chance you have of repeating the behavior you’re nervous about.
How To Talk About It
It may be ‘your problem’ — but it affects your partner’s sex life, too. Women are generally very open about discussing anything, and sex is no exception. In fact, it might be refreshing for her to hear that you want to improve your sex life and make it better for the both of you. Dr. Kirk says to lead with those sentiments: “Bring it up by talking about how much you value your sex life together and that you’d like to learn how to prolong it for the pleasure of both of you,” she says.
Then, together, go into problem solving mode, and give it some time. “Realize learning to establish a new ejaculatory pattern takes some practice so neither of you should assume that this can be addressed over night,” she says. “Look at it as an opportunity to build emotional intimacy with your partner and broaden your sexual repertoire.”
Why You Should Masturbate More
Remember when you first started exploring your sexuality? Believe it or not, right from the beginning, you were teaching your body to finish fast as you jerked off in the bathroom or your childhood bedroom. “Most men have trained themselves to ejaculate quickly,” Dr. Kirk says. “Since their early teens, they have had to masturbate in secrecy without being ‘found out’, therefore learning to ejaculate quickly was in their best interest.”
These days, you — hopefully — don’t live at home and have more privacy to get in a good rub at least once a day. Dr. Kirk says learning to re-train yourself to last longer is something you can achieve with consistent masturbation. “The more men masturbate, the more control they can get over the timing of their ejaculation,” she says. “ Also, if you aren’t masturbating on a regular basis and you seem to be ‘saving it up’, it is more likely that you will ejaculate sooner than you or your partner might like.”
More Techniques That Could Help
If you’re in the midst of sex and you feel like you’re about to finish, Dr. Kirk says to try the ‘squeeze technique.’ “At the point of no return, pull your penis out and squeeze the tip of the penis with your thumb and forefinger until the urge to ejaculate passes.” If you’re comfortable asking your partner to help — we bet she won’t mind if it means better sex! — Dr. Kirk also says having her pull down your testicles gently will help you to hold onto your erection.
Or, go for an old classic: if you feel like you’re about to finish, stop intercourse and start going down on her. You’ll divert the attention away from whatever is turning you on, and bonus! She gets more play, too. When you’re ready to move on and try it again, start slow and apply the tips above.